


What We Fear To Lose

by serenityabrin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mission Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 03:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14762094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityabrin/pseuds/serenityabrin
Summary: Keeli's decision to disobey his General's orders during a battle puts him in danger.





	What We Fear To Lose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smaragdbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/gifts).



An artillery shell slammed into the ground close enough to blast Keeli off his feet.  The momentum sent him rolling down the hill.  Thorny bushes clawed at his limbs, slicing straight through his blacks to leave bloody cuts.

He finally came to a stop in an untidy heap.  His ears were ringing and his chest was killing him from his earlier encounter with a commando droid that had gotten him in a body lock long enough to crack his ribs before Keeli could break free.  For a moment, it was just too much and he couldn't move.

The steady rhythm of mechanical marching paused.  There was a beat, and then Keeli was heartened to hear the rhythm begin again - this time heading away.

He lay absolutely still, trying to breathe as quietly as he could in the hope of avoiding detection.  The droids must have thought they'd gotten him.  Keeli was more than happy to let them continue believing that.

He was on a clock though.  When the sound of droids seemed sufficiently distant, Keeli cautiously raised his head and confirmed the battle droids were indeed headed back to the main Separatist column that he could see in the distance.

Consulting the digital display on his wrist, he sought out the homing beacon for the commando squad he'd sent behind enemy lines.

"Sigma Squad, come in." He was careful to keep his voice quiet.

Unfortunately, the only answer he received was static.  However, he did get a ping from the homing beacon.  Crouching as he ran, he dashed in that direction.

The roar of rushing water indicated he was close to the gorge, which was where he expected the commando unit to be.  He hoped the silence was simply due to a comm malfunction.

That hope was dashed when he literally tripped and fell face first.  When he turned, he found it was a brother's leg he'd tripped over.  A quick look around confirmed that all four troopers were dead.

Resting on one knee so that he remained hidden behind one of the shrub-bushes, Keeli considered his options.  He scanned the immediate area and spotted an armed rocket launcher half hidden by a thorny bush.  After working it loose, he glanced at the retreating droids to make sure he still hadn't been detected.

There was still a chance of salvaging this op, so Keeli was extra careful not to attract attention as he made his way the last few meters to the gorge's edge.  Below him was a sheer drop to a rushing river of water.  The other side of the gorge was about four hundred meters away.  Looking to his left, he saw a bridge spanning the distance.  The droid army was streaming across it in an orderly fashion.

Keeli tapped his helmet.  "Captain Keeli to General Di."

"-ome in, Capt-" The answer came through garbled but Keeli could still identify his General's distinctive accent.

"I've located the commando squad.  They're dead, but I can still complete the op."

"-trying to . . . a hold of you . . . getting ping . . . location.  You cannot . . . without compromising . . . position."

Keeli watched as the first of the two experimental anti-aircraft guns began to roll onto the bridge.  The guns' shields had proven resistant to every conventional weapon the army had, keeping all air support at bay.

However, he knew one blast of a shoulder-rocket should be enough to take out a column holding the delicate bridge up, crashing one of the guns into the river below.  It would also keep the army from overwhelming the GAR forces on the other side of the gorge.

Unfortunately, it would also draw attention to Keeli's position, and he would be trapped with the droid army on this side of the gorge.

"The risk is worth it.  I can make the shot." Keeli shouldered the rocket and zeroed in on the column.

"No!  Abort . . . Repeat, abort miss- . . . Hold for . . . and I will come to . . . then meet up to . . ."

The message was too garbled to hear the whole context, but Keeli thought he'd heard enough.  His heart squeezed at the idea of his General on this side of the gorge.  General Di was a high value target.  He might be able to draw a significant part of the Separatist army to engage with him, but he had no backup here.  And, if they couldn't take out those guns, then he'd have no air cover either.

It was suicide.

"Sir, both guns are moving onto the bridge.  We can't afford to wait."

Keeli was surprised the Separatists wouldn't stagger their defenses as Intel had surmised.  This was too good an opportunity to pass up.

"You'll be trapped!" General Di said.

Keeli watched as the first gun passed the midpoint of the bridge.  If it went much further, the gun would escape the bridge's destruction.

"It's an acceptable outcome, General."

"It is not!  You are not . . .  Do not . . ."

Keeli hesitated.  Firing meant disobeying his General.  Keeli had never done that before.  But, if he did, he would be taking out both anti-aircraft guns and turning the tide of this battle.  It also meant protecting his General from danger.

There was no choice at all.

"The mission comes first, General."

Keeli checked his aim and fired.  The rocket flew true, slamming into the support column and causing a chain reaction as the rest of the bridge tried and failed to compensate for the lost support.

Moving his rangefinder over his eye, he watched as the side of the bridge closest to him gave way.  The heavy anti-aircraft guns began to slip to that side, and the droids became a sea of insects scrambling to escape. 

When the main bridge road fell, it took one of the guns with it immediately.  But the other one hung suspended for an agonizing moment right on the edge of the carnage.  Keeli held his breath, waiting to see if he had managed to take out both guns and leave a clear path for their aircraft to bomb the Separatists to pieces.

He let out a little cheer when the second gun joined the first.  His delight was short-lived as the tanks still on this side of the gorge turned their guns in his direction and began to fire.

Keeli dropped the rocket launcher and turned to run.  The gunfire kept up hot and heavy as he tried to take an unpredictable path.  Glancing back, he saw three speeders piloted by commando droids racing towards him.

There was no way to outrun them or to take on three commando units at once, so he dove behind the first rock he found and took aim.  He managed to hit the engine of the middle speeder.  It exploded and smashed into the right speeder, which went careening into a tree.

That left one speeder coming on him fast.  Keeli fired as fast as he could but the last commando swerved and avoided the gunfire.  It raced right past Keeli, turning in a tight circle to allow it to leap straight at him.

The commando droid managed to grab Keeli's right wrist, neutralizing one of his guns.  With the other hand, the droid aimed his rifle at Keeli.  Keeli used his free blaster to knock both their guns out of their hands.

Just as the commando freed the sword on its back, Keeli kicked out at its leg and managed to overbalance the droid.  Its hold was firm, taking Keeli down to the ground with it.  Keeli twisted in its hold so that he could bring all his weight down on his knee, which he aimed for the droid's neck.

It bent with a snap and the droid's hold on Keeli went slack.  Keeli had no time to breathe.  Apparently, he'd only destroyed one of the other two commando droids when he'd earlier hit the speeder engine.  A blaster hit to his shoulder had him spinning around to find the last commando droid running at him.

Despite his wound, Keeli's aim was true.  Three tightly grouped shots at the commando droid's chest sent it reeling back.  He finished with a headshot to make sure the droid was really down this time.

As soon as the droid fell backwards, Keeli's eyes were drawn to the scene behind it.  There was still a contingent of droids bunched up near the bridge, but it looked like the rest of the Separatist army had decided he was the new priority.  While he'd been battling commandos, they had begun marching his way and were much closer than he was comfortable with.

Glancing around frantically, Keeli looked for an avenue of escape.  To his right was the gorge.  The mountains to his left were craggy and impossible to climb without gear.  Behind him, the thorny shrubs grew so thick that he would get tangled in them while the mechanical droids would just stomp their way through.

Running wasn't an option.

Grabbing his dropped gun, Keeli backed up until he was just above a shallow incline leading to the edge of the gorge.  He put his back to a rocky stack to keep from being flanked, and focused on taking out as many droids as he could.

The laser fire came on thick as the droids drew closer and began to bunch up.  Keeli was hard-pressed to keep picking off the nearest droid.  Sheer numbers were going to be his downfall

Even as he focused on the fight in front of him, he noticed strange movement coming from within the droid ranks.  Something was happening, causing some of the droids in the middle of the group to turn, but Keeli couldn't afford to take his attention off the droids still firing at him to look more closely.

A near shot caught the edge of his helmet, scrambling his vision for a moment.  The instant was enough for another shot to hit him hard in the wrist.  He dropped his gun again.

Shaking his head hard cleared up the static in his visor.  The droids were pressing closer and with only one gun now, he was even harder-pressed to keep them at bay.

Keeli quickly dodged as two more shots hit too close for comfort.  Rolling, he tried to reposition himself to make the droids retarget and hopefully give him a few extra seconds to grab his dropped gun.

The droids kept locked on him, and the fire continued hot and heavy.  Keeli just managed to evade a half dozen bolts sent his way, but there were more coming.  This was it.  He'd run out of luck.

And then something burst up into the air from the middle of the droid army and landed right in front of Keeli.  To his shock, Keeli saw that it was none other than General Di.

With a flurry of quick movements, the General deflected all of the incoming blaster fire, giving them a moment's respite.

"General?  What . . . How did you get here?" Keeli asked, grabbing the gun on the ground.  He fired a round at the nearest droid but almost dropped it again when white hot pain shot through his wrist where he'd been shot.

General Di continued to block the incoming fire.  "I crossed the bridge before it completely disintegrated."

"You did what!" That was suicide.  What on earth had made Keeli's General do something so stupid?  "There's no way back now."

"That is untrue," General Di said calmly.  He blocked another dozen blaster bolts before quickly using his comm.  "Admiral Dao.  Come in."

". . . read you, Gen-" Dao's voice came through just as garbled as every other communication they'd managed to make on this rock.  "We have . . . position."

General Di showed no irritation at the continued communication problems.  Calmly, he said, "The anti-aircraft artillery has been neutralized.  Commence bombing at this location."

"Bombers already underw-. . ." Whatever else Dao said was lost, but it was clear they were at ground zero for a massive aerial bombardment.

General Di nodded, and turned to Keeli.  "Holster your weapons, Captain.  We must be on our way."

"On our way?  Where-" Keeli was going to ask where they could possibly go but before he could, the General used an impressive Force push to send the entire front line of droids smashing into the droids behind them.

It only gave them a few seconds as the droids disentangled themselves, and they were still taking fire from the droids further back.  General Di made the most of those seconds.  He grabbed Keeli's elbow and pulled him towards the edge of the gorge.

"General?  What are you doing?"  Keeli followed where he was led, even though there was nowhere to go.

The General ignored his question.  Instead, he said, "Hold on, Captain."

There was nothing to hold onto, but before Keeli could ask about that, General Di used the Force to grab Keeli and gently toss him over the edge of the cliff and straight to the raging river down below them.

It was a long fall.

Keeli had enough time to wonder what the hell this was.  The water was white-topped as it surged around the rocks jutting up sharply to create fast-moving rapids.  Keeli knew that whether he smashed into the rocks or the water, he was dead anyway.

Except, at the last second, he slowed down so much that he floated momentarily above the water.  It could only be the Force.  General Di was out of Keeli's line of sight, but Keeli was sure this was his doing.  Keeli was gently slipped into the water, and he quickly grabbed for a nearby rock to keep from being swept down the river.

He looked up just in time to see the General jump from the cliff.  Keeli knew his General had the Force but it still made his heart skip a beat to see him plunging so quickly.  He didn't slow himself down as he'd done for Keeli.  Sure-footed, he landed on the narrowest of rocks without any apparent trouble at all.

"General!" Keeli called.

Even as the General's eyes focused on him, the air filled with blaster fire.  A line of droids stood at the edge of the cliff above and were firing down on them.  If the General hadn't moved with Force speed to another rock, he would have been blown to pieces.

As it was, Keeli's own position proved precarious.  Blaster-fire came down so thick that it pulverized the rocks in the river to dust.  Instinctively, he let go to avoid getting shot himself, which immediately sent him careening through the rapids.

"Keeli!"

The General's call was muffled as water pulled Keeli under.  Keeli soon discovered that his air-tight helmet had a leak where he'd taken a hit earlier.  Every time he was submerged, water seeped into the crack.  There was nowhere for it to get out, and his helmet was beginning to fill.

Keeli tried to grab his helmet to pull it off but his arms kept being twisted away as he was bounced around in the water.  He tried to grab hold of another rock but they were all too slimy to gain purchase.  Most of the time, he slammed into them too hard to think about gasping anything anyway.

As he tumbled along, he was still in danger of being struck by blaster fire.  The rapidly churning water turned him on his back at one point and he saw that another squad of commando droids on speeders was keeping pace with Keeli as he raced helplessly to a waterfall he could hear in the distance.

It was dealer's choice what would ultimately kill him.

Just as Keeli was becoming seriously inconvenienced by the water filling his helmet, strong arms wrapped around his middle and pulled him under.

Keeli almost fought off the hold on instinct.  However, his forward momentum stopped abruptly.  He turned his head as best he could and saw familiar Jedi robes.  For a moment, he thought General Di had managed to anchor himself to something so he could grab them both and keep them from tumbling into oblivion.

But then they were moving against the current.  Not just moving, but racing at a clip that Keeli associated with mechanical aids.  He craned his neck back to try to get the last of the air in his helmet as General Di dashed them through the water with the help of the Force.

Keeli relaxed into the hold, trusting that the General knew what he was doing.  There was very little Keeli could contribute.  He couldn't even take off his helmet to empty it as they were close to the bottom of the river now.

Taking a deep gulp, Keeli breathed in the last of his air as his bucket filled completely.  He hoped that whatever his General was planning wouldn't take too much longer.  He'd been trained to hold his breath, but he couldn't hope to match a Jedi.

The sensors in his helmet reacted badly to all the abuse he'd inflicted upon them during this mission, and he only had a partial view of the scenery flying by him.  When everything went dark, he thought that the helmet had malfunctioned.  It was eerie.  Unable to breathe and in complete darkness, he had only the feel of his General's arm tight around his middle to ground him.

His lungs were beginning to burn when the General suddenly launched them out of the water, and Keeli found himself on solid ground.  Ignoring everything else, he yanked off his helmet.  Water surged out, and he gasped, desperate for air.  Dimly, he was aware that everything was still dark around him but his only concern was getting air to his starving lungs.

The snap-hiss of a lightsaber drew his attention an instant before the area he was in was filled with light.

Still breathing heavily, Keeli looked over at the General.  With one hand, he was holding his lightsaber up to give them light.  With the other, he was slapping his chest.  He made a wet noise as he tried to clear water from the breathing tubes on either side of his neck.

"I was not meant for swimming," he said after a moment.  His tone was more an observation than an accusation, but Keeli suddenly felt guilty.

Rolling to his knees, Keeli's cracked ribs protested but he ignored them.  "Are you okay, General?"

"Yes." General Di waved away the concern.  "It's only an irritant."  He came to kneel beside Keeli, and peered closely at him.  "And you?  Are you okay?"

Keeli wanted to say he was situation-ready but the throbbing pain in his wrist stopped him.  Looking around, he saw that they were in a small cave.  The blue light of the General's lightsaber was reflected back by a trickling waterfall nearby that fed into the river behind them.

The General must have taken them into one of the crevices lining the gorge walls to hide them from the droids.

With his good hand, Keeli put a hand on his gun and said, "I can aim and I can fire, sir."

"Yes, well, let's hope that won't be necessary."  Even as he spoke, the ground around them shook, releasing fine particles of dirt into the air.  It was the promised bombing, and Keeli felt a tremendous sense of relief.

"I can sense you are in pain," General Di said, bringing Keeli's attention back to him.

"I took a few lucky hits," Keeli admitted reluctantly.  "But it shouldn't take me out of commission for too long, sir."

"I am not worried about that." General Di sighed, looking frustrated for a moment.  But then he straightened and said, "Give me a full inventory of your injuries, Captain."

Keeli made a face at that but he couldn't ignore a direct order.  At least, not another one.

"Two direct hits to my shoulder and wrist." He glanced down at the helmet he was holding and frowned.  "A glancing blow to my head and some scratches from the thorny bushes.  I'm also a bit banged up from the rocks in the river." Taking a deep breath, he felt how it hurt to expand his chest.  "And a commando droid got a hold of me.  My ribs are busted up too."

Seeing the concerned look in his General's eyes, Keeli hastily added, "It sounds worse than it is, sir."

"I doubt that." General Di set his lit lightsaber on the ground so that the blade faced away from them.  "Let's take off your breastplate and see if I can't help you out."

"Sir, that's really not necessary," Keeli argued.

General Di raised one of his eye ridges, and Keeli was instantly chagrinned.  Sighing, he reached for the clasps on his armor.

When his breastplate came off, General Di shifted closer and reached out to gently rest his hands on Keeli's sides just over his ribs.  "Take a slow, deep breath."

Keeli did as commanded, trying not to wince.  He was definitely going to feel today's excursion for the next few days.

"Release."

Keeli slowly let his breath back out.  As he did so, he swore he could feel increased warmth emanating from the General's hands.  It could have been his imagination, but it felt a little easier to breathe when he again inhaled.

Hearing the General's own breathing soft and steady, Keeli realized just how near they were to each other.  The General's eyes were half-lidded in concentration.  He'd set his hands carefully so Keeli didn't accidentally scratch the underside of his arms on the General's sharp barbs.

Keeli had never been this close to his General, and it flustered him.  "General, there's no need for this.  I'm fit to get back to our lines."  He tried to withdraw from the General's touch, and was annoyed with himself that he missed the connection when General Di allowed it.

The General drew his eye ridges together in a frown.  "I think your situation is more serious than you realize."

There was another faint shake that sent dust into the air.  Keeli looked up, and said, "Even so, this isn't a safe place to stay.  I don't want to be buried in here if the bombers take down the entire cliff side."

"That is unlikely," General Di said calmly.  "The bombing is further north of here, and the droids are . . ."

Frowning, the General stopped suddenly and turned.  His body was visibly tense as he cocked his head in a way Keeli had come to identify as him listening with the Force.

Alarm chased over his expression an instant before he whirled around and called his lightsaber to his hand.  "The enemy is here, apparently." He spoke in a whisper as he moved back to Keeli's side.  With a casual flick of his wrist, he grabbed Keeli's breastplate and helmet with the Force and flung them into a hidden corner.

Keeli had only a moment to take that in before the General deactivated his lightsaber and plunged them back into complete darkness.  "We must hide."

"Why?" Keeli kept his own voice quiet.  He felt the General's arm slide under his own, helping him to stand.  "There can't be room for more than one battle droid at a time.  We can take them."

"I don't think it's a battle droid."

Keeli frowned, wondering what he could mean.  He offered no resistance as the General led him in the dark.  There was a pile of rocks near the entrance to the cave, and the General unerringly led them behind this rocky screen.

Keeli's own footing wasn't so sure.  Waving each foot a bit before setting it down, he looked for rocks but the General was pulling him too fast for that.  His toes caught on something, and Keeli wasn't ready for it.  His ankle twisted out from under him, and he went down.

The angle was wrong for the General to be able to catch him.  Surprisingly, rather than let Keeli take the blow, the General twisted with the fall.  He ended up on the ground before Keeli, giving Keeli a relatively soft form to land on.

Realizing he'd just fallen on his General, Keeli put his hands down on either side of the General's chest to push himself off.  General Di's hands suddenly clamped down hard on him, holding him still.  The General himself froze in place, and Keeli knew something was wrong.

Alerted, Keeli froze too.

For an endless moment, they stayed right like that.  Keeli could only hear the sound of his own harsh breathing in his ears.  Head resting against the General's chest, he realized that the General was holding his breath.

Just as Keeli was taking that in, he finally heard whatever his General had sensed.  It announced itself with a quiet ticking.  Keeli recognized that noise from the ordinance his troops used when setting bombs, and that instantly made him wary.

Blaster fire could be redirected, but a bomb in this confined space would be lethal even for a Jedi.

Faint light indicated the direction the droid was coming from.  Only a few seconds later, the light brightened significantly as the droid floated into their little cave.  It was round with a blinking red light on top.  Keeli instantly identified it as the prototype bomb droid that was being manufactured on this planet.  He thought his troops had gotten them all when they'd blown up the factory, but apparently they'd missed one.

One was all it would take to kill them.

Keeli was very aware of the feel of fabric beneath his ear and the man wearing it.  The droid army was being annihilated by Republic bombers, and it might seem sensible to cut their losses and run.

But if they could take out a Jedi, the Separatists spared no supply or effort.

Keeli again felt horrified that the General was in this position because of him.  Why had the General come after him?

Turned half on his side, Keeli watched as the droid floated forward.  It was partially obscured by the rock Keeli and the General were hiding behind.  A red line appeared on the wall opposite the floating droid.  Slowly, the line shifted along the rock, and Keeli could see the droid was scanning the area.

Keeli held his breath now.  He couldn't be sure, but he thought the droid might have sensors attuned to movement.  He didn't dare move, not even when the red line inched nearer to them, and Keeli realized the tip of his boot was sticking out beyond their barrier of rock.

The red line slipped closer and closer.  Keeli felt the General's arms tighten around him, keeping him still.  Keeli didn't need to be told but he appreciated the warning.

Just as the red line inched that last centimeter towards Keeli's boot, the droid suddenly shut the scan down and turned around to go back the way it came.

Shaky, Keeli finally let himself exhale as quietly as he could.  He could still hear the faint ticking of the droid beyond their cave, and he didn't dare think they were in the clear.

The General's hand slipped from Keeli's back to his head, a thumb tracing absently along the pattern Keeli had cut into his hair.  It was permission enough to stay right where he was.  There was a part of Keeli that balked at the idea of lying on his General like this - like he had any right to lounge about with his General in such a familiar way - but Keeli had so often dreamed of being this close to his General, and he was just so damn tired.

He'd been operating on half his allotted sleep since they'd begun this operation and had had no sleep at all since he'd personally undertaken the mission to find Sigma Squad.  His body was bruised and sore.  He was pretty sure his recent fall onto the General had opened up the cauterized blaster wound on his shoulder.  His wrist was killing him.

The gentle caress of his General's thumb against his head was so soothing.  Keeli closed his eyes.  There was nothing to see anyway.  He just needed a moment to regain his strength.

Just a moment.

 

****************

 

Awareness bled in and out.  Keeli had the faint impression of being lifted and carried in deceptively strong arms.  He heard his brothers' voices, and their presence was reassuring in a way that let him sink deeper into the fog permeating his mind.

The cold feeling of being immersed in bacta almost brought him back up.  His eyes fluttered and he saw his General watching him from the other side of the glass.  But Keeli was breathing in drugs now, and the moment faded away.

A quiet beeping finally woke him up properly, and Keeli found himself in the recovery room of the medbay on Admiral Dao's ship.

It took awhile before he was cleared to return to active duty, and the first thing he did was seek out his General.

Keeli found General Di standing alone before a large viewing window, looking out at the blue of hyperspace.

"General?"

Whirling around, the General seemed pleased to see Keeli.  "Ah, Captain.  I am glad to see you up and about.  You have been cleared from medical?"

"Yes, sir.  Am I interrupting?"

General Di shook his head, and gestured Keeli into the room.  "No, not at all.  Was there something you needed?"

"I understand I've been out for a week.  Do we have a new mission?"

"We do but nothing quite so exciting as our recent campaign.  After the pounding we took, the Council has assigned us an escort mission.  We will rendezvous with a group of supply ships tomorrow."  General Di gave Keeli a thoughtful look.  "There's no need to rush back to duty.  The supplies are for Kamino.  The likelihood of attack is minimal."

"I would like to look over the mission plan all the same, if that's okay, General," Keeli said.

General Di inclined his head.  "I believe Sergeant Zeroes has a copy."

"I will look at it."

The General nodded, and turned back to the window.  Keeli didn't move.  After a moment, General Di became aware of that and turned back.  "Was there something else?"

"Um, yes, sir.  If you can spare a moment."

General Di frowned, doubtless because he'd just said Keeli wasn't interrupting.  He didn't mention that, and instead waved Keeli closer.  "Of course, Captain.  You are free to discuss any matter with me."

It was all the permission Keeli needed but it didn't reassure him.  Uneasy, he walked closer to stand beside the General at the window.

"What is it?" General Di asked.

Keeli looked down at the helmet he held between his hands.  It was a new issue, showing none of the signs of what he'd endured.

Steeling himself, Keeli looked up and met his General's eye.  "Sir, I am concerned about what happened with our last mission."

"Concerned?  What has concerned you?"

"You came to rescue me, sir," Keeli said.

The General's eye ridges twitched in confusion.  "Yes?"

"Sir, respectfully, I do not agree with that action."

"You don't agree?" The General's eye ridges shot up.  "Captain, I have the highest respect for your skills, but you would not have survived against the entire droid army or the subsequent bombing without intervention."

"I know that, sir."

General Di frowned.  "Then you wished to die?"

"No, of course not." Keeli looked away, trying to contain his frustration.  This wasn't how he wanted this conversation to go.  "I am grateful that you saved me but you risked far too much to do so."

"I disagree." General Di's tone was soft. "Every life in my command is valuable."

"But not equally valuable.  Risking your life for mine is a terrible tradeoff.  You can always get another captain - we're a credit a case-full - but you are irreplaceable, sir.  The army would flounder without the Jedi to lead it, and the war would be lost."

General Di looked stricken at his words.  "Captain . . . Tell me you do not really believe that."

Seeing how his words had hurt his General, Keeli felt distressed but also confused.  He didn't want to upset the Jedi but he didn't understand why the General appeared to be so dismayed.

"I'm sorry, sir, but those are simply the facts.  Risking your life for one soldier when there was no way out is-"

"Ah, but there was a way out," General Di interrupted.  "You and I are here now, are we not?  You think that it was only you and me against the droid army but that is not true.  It was you and me and _the Force_ , which is a powerful ally.  Together we can accomplish what we cannot do alone.  The proof is borne in the result.  You and I survived."

Keeli had no idea how to respond to that, but he knew he disagreed.  Or, at least, he thought the answer dodged the issue.  He didn't understand the Force but he did understand that Jedi were dying in this war.  The Force wasn't a magic protection.  General Di could still die.  He had been vulnerable when he came to rescue Keeli.

But how could Keeli argue against something he didn't understand?

Perhaps seeing something of this in Keeli's expression, General Di said, "Is there something else that is bothering you?"

Keeli knew he should leave it alone.  There was no answer that led anywhere good.  But, as he looked into his General's concerned face, he couldn't help asking, "What you did, would you have done that for any of your troopers?"

General Di's eyes widened right before a mask fell over his expression and he turned his head to look out the window.  Keeli waited anxiously as the General seemed to deliberate on the answer he wanted to give.

Finally, General Di turned back and gave Keeli his complete attention.  "Jedi are taught to be compassionate to all life-forms, but not to become attached.  I should not value your life above anyone else's, but I should value your life.  And I do value your life."

Something sad came over him then.  "I value all of the men in my command, but I must me honest.  I would feel your loss most of all.  I don't want to lose you."

Keeli took in a sharp breath at that revelation.  He didn't know how to respond.  He'd begun to suspect that there might be something deeper growing between them, but there was nothing special about him.  Nothing to catch his General's interest.

"You think me compromised?" General Di asked when Keeli did not respond.

"No, sir!" Keeli's reply was immediate, but then he had to evaluate his answer.  "There's nothing wrong with . . ." He made a vague gesture with his hands so he didn't have to spell anything out.  "But, General, you can't endanger yourself for me."

"Tell me, would you have been as upset if I had gone to save a different trooper?"  General Di's tone was quiet, his eyes intense as he watched Keeli.

Uncertain of his General's thoughts, Keeli's answer was hesitant.  "It would have been just as stupid if it was someone else."

"Even another Jedi?  Would I be permitted to go save one of my fellows?"

Keeli felt his stomach knot unpleasantly.  "Well, yeah."

"Because Jedi are worth the effort?" General Di asked.

"Yes." Keeli's answer was firm.

"But troopers are not.  _You_ are not?"

"That's what I've been saying." Keeli should have been relieved that his General was finally coming around to seeing things as he did, but there was something in General Di's tone that made him wary.

General Di considered the idea and said, "Answer me honestly, Captain.  If another Jedi did what I did, would you be as bothered as you are?"

The question made Keeli uneasy.  "I don't think another Jedi would have come after me, sir."

"Because another Jedi would not have cared as much?  Or because another Jedi would not have needed to?"  At Keeli's confused look, General Di clarified, "You disobeyed my order.  I told you not to blow the bridge."

"Sir, I had to!  The guns were lined up perfectly and-"

"And the situation had materially changed since you left to find out why we lost communication with Sigma Squad," General Di said.  "Blade and Puncture discovered the shield frequencies for the anti-aircraft guns.  I had the men set up to take out the guns as soon as they crossed the bridge and then bottleneck the droid army while the bombers did their work.  I was hoping to keep the bridge intact so we would have ease of movement to investigate the other side of the gorge for more Separatists facilities."

"Oh."

Keeli looked down at his helmet.  He should have known disobeying his General was a terrible idea.

A hand gently rested over one of his own, and Keeli's head snapped up to find the General much closer.  The General's expression was kind.  "I understand the decision you made.  Communication was spotty, and we could not risk being overheard lest the droids switch shield frequencies.  You did not have all the information that I did."

"I should have trusted you," Keeli whispered.

"Yes.  But that is not the issue right now.  If you had not taken out the bridge, your position would not have been compromised, and I would not have needed to come save you.  I know you heard my order.  Why did you disobey?  What was in your heart at that moment?"

Keeli could tell the General had sensed something that had sent him down this line of inquiry.  Keeli could lie but there was something about the way General Di was looking at him.  The answer mattered.  To both of them.

"I was thinking of you.  You said you would come, and I didn't want you in danger."

"Not if it was your fault," General Di said, finding the heart of the matter for Keeli.

Keeli looked down, ashamed.  The General's thumb gently sliding along the side of his hand brought his gaze back up.

"Do you feel for me what I feel for you, Captain?" the General asked quietly.

Keeli swallowed.  "I shouldn't."

"Nor should I.  At least, that's not what the Code says, but I have been meditating, and I do not feel conflict in the Force for caring for you."

Keeli shook his head.  "But what happened proves it's wrong.  If I hadn't feared endangering you, I would have followed your orders, and you would not have been in danger."

"But if I had not followed my own heart, I would not have gone after you.  I would be short an experienced captain," the General said.

"Others in the command can take my place."

"But they do not know me as you do.  They do not care that I am safe the way you do."

Keeli hadn't thought of that.  Considering it now, his stomach tightened at the thought of another trooper looking after his General's back.  Keeli always made sure he personally saw to all the General's needs, personal or strategic.  He didn't trust anyone else to get it right.

Finally letting Keeli's hand go, General Di reached up to cup Keeli's cheek.  "Regardless of what I feel, I did not hesitate to send you to find out what happened to Sigma Squad.  It was a dangerous mission, but I knew you were the best man for the job.  I don't want to lose you, but I accept that is a possible outcome of this war.  That doesn't mean I will accept losing you just because getting you back poses risks.  If I have judged the situation within my ability, then you must trust me."

"I do trust you."  Keeli leaned into his General's touch, though he knew he shouldn't.  He could feel his resolve to keep his distance crumbling.  "I know either of us can die at any moment, but I can't be the reason you die."

"And you won't be."  The General shifted closer, and there was very little space left between them.  "It is a tightrope we walk - to care but not care too much - but I have walked that rope all my life.  I just didn't understand it as I do now.  You may not value your life, but I do.  You are worth every risk I take.  I could not have a better man at my side, and I am safer with you there than I could ever be if I lost you.  Your life is not inconsequential.  Saving you keeps me safe.  It keeps me sane.  Do you understand?"

Keeli still remembered the heart-pounding terror he'd felt when he saw General Di amid an entire army of droids and knew it was because of him.  He never wanted to feel that way again.

But he had put himself in that position.  He understood that now.  It wasn't General Di who needed to be mindful of his attachments.

"I understand, but I'm not sure I know how to walk that rope.  I'm not a Jedi.  I don't know how to stop caring," Keeli said helplessly.

General Di's expression turned gentle.  "I wouldn't wish you to do that.  I am humbled by your devotion.  I do not feel worthy of it."

The General looked sad, and Keeli hated that.  He quickly said, "You are worthy.  No one could be more worthy."

"If that is how you feel, then you should not second-guess yourself.  I have every faith that when I need you, you will be right there at my side.  I could not ask for anything more than that."

"There is nowhere I would wish to be," Keeli said honestly.  Daringly, he grabbed the hand cupping his face and turned to press a kiss to the palm.

The General watched it with warm approval in his eyes.

That was as much bravery as Keeli had in him at the moment.  He wasn't sure pushing for more would go where he thought it would.  This was enough for now.

Letting the General's hand go, he said, "I should consult with Zeroes."

"Of course."  General Di's expression was fond, but he did not insist Keeli stay.

It was harder to leave his side than Keeli wanted to admit.  Just as he reached the door, General Di called his name.  When Keeli turned back, the General said, "If you need anything else, I am always at your disposal."

"Thank you, General."

"See that you get some rest.  You are still recovering."

"Yes, sir."

The General finally turned to look out the window again, and Keeli slipped out the door.  He put his helmet on so no one could see his expression.  There were still doubts swirling around in his head, but his stomach was fluttery with anticipation.

At least there was one thing he was sure of.  No matter what, he would always have his General's back. 

General Di could depend on that.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to send a huge thank you to aurilly for beta'ing. All remaining mistakes are mine.


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